Help revising my paper

I need my paper revised and edited based off this feedback from my teacher.

This was the feedback from my teacher:

Hi, Amanda. Thank you for submitting M2A1 for my evaluation. Here are my comments for your consideration:

1. The thesis statement you pulled from the article is correct, but what makes it the the thesis statement? How do you know? Also, if the purpose of the paper is to analyze the rhetorical appeals as they’re applied (or not) in the target document, should that be considered in the introduction? In other words, should the appeals be identified in some way in the introduction?

2. Related to #1 (above), I’m not seeing a clear discussion of how the author of the article applied the four primary rhetorical appeals. That was really the purpose of the assignment. I can easily see where the main points you’ve discussed exemplify the appeals, but would a general reader be able to discern that?

3. Work on writing more clearly and concisely without vague and unnecessary words or phrases that clutter up sentences and paragraphs. For example, the first sentence of the conclusion is confusing and awkward. Simplify as much as possible.

five rhetorical concepts or appeals:

• Ethos, or ethics
• Logos, or logic
• Pathos, or emotion
• Kairos, or timeliness/relevance
• Telos, or purpose/attitude

In order to communicate technical and scientific information effectively, we need to understand how each of these appeals is used. We also need to understand how the appeals relate to one another.

Ethos
Ethos refers to the credibility or trustworthiness of what we write. Think of it as the ethical behavior of the writer. When writers represent themselves professionally and ethically, we respect and believe what they have to say. Notice the focus on the author in this appeal.

Logos
Logos refers to the organization of the information we present. In other words, if we arrange our information in a logical way that allows our line of reasoning to be easily understood, we are using logos effectively. Notice the focus on the text in this appeal.

Pathos
Pathos refers to the use of emotion or other devices to draw in readers. Sometimes, writers accomplish this by establishing common ground, which is a foundation of common interests, values, or beliefs, and sometimes writers include examples, statistics, or illustrations that result in strong emotional reactions, thus leading readers to action. Notice the focus on the audience in this appeal.

Kairos
Kairos refers to the timeliness and relevance of the information we present in our writing. Most scientific and technical information is current or even cutting edge, but it may need to be published quickly using specific media outlets, such as television, web sites, or popular magazines, to be effective. Notice the focus on setting and context in this appeal.

Telos
Telos refers to the attitude or purpose of the writing itself. This term is no longer commonly used with respect to the rhetorical situation, but you may see it in some of your readings throughout this course.

The Relationship among the Appeals
In most cases, you will see the rhetorical situation depicted as a triangle. You will notice that telos is not part of the illustration since it is no longer generally included in a discussion regarding the rhetorical situation.

This was the assignment requirement.

In this assignment, you locate and analyze a piece of technical communication that relates to your own field of study. The goal of this assignment is to determine whether the document was effective for its intended purpose, audience, and context based on the author’s use of rhetorical appeals. You will also evaluate such elements as clarity, conciseness, user-friendliness, and professionalism in your analysis.

In the article “Rhetorical Appeals (Links to an external site.)Links to an external site.,” you read about the four primary types of rhetorical appeals, which are ethos (ethics), logos (logic), pathos (emotion), and kairos (timeliness/relevance). Using the reflective questions provided in the article, craft a rhetorical analysis of 700-1,000 words.

Find an article in a popular magazine, a blog post, or a transcript of a television program (or another similar alternative) that includes scientific or technical information that has been written for a general audience. The article must have been published within the past two years. Even though the article does not need to be lengthy, it must be long enough and provide enough substance to allow you to write a paper evaluating the author’s use of the four primary rhetorical appeals.

Be sure to include an introduction that identifies the following information:

• Title of the document
• Author(s) name(s), if known, or corporate author
• Type of document
• Purpose of the document
• Brief audience analysis in which you identify the intended readers
• Tone (formal or informal)
• A thesis statement that is supported throughout the remainder of the document

The body of your document should provide an analysis of the four rhetorical appeals. You must analyze whether the author(s) used each rhetorical appeal, provide evidence of how, and assess the effectiveness of each appeal. If the author(s) clearly did not use one or more rhetorical appeals, explain how you determined it was not used, and describe how the author(s) could have included it to make the document more effective.

The document should end with a conclusion in which you analyze the overall effectiveness of the document. Be sure to support your conclusion by summarizing the evidence you included in the body of the document.

The document should be formatted using standard APA conventions for style and citation, including a title page, appropriate in-text citations, and a references page.